Vigilante Rampage at Local Pet Smart

BETHESDA, MD: The Bethesda Pet Smart was riddled with bullets yesterday around 4:00 PM when Mr. Socks came back to extol retribution for items he was not allowed to return. No one was reported to be injured by the blasts from his AK-47.

Mr. Socks who was allowed to make a public statement after his arrest stated “All I wanted to do was take back a stupid lint brush, but that little bitch behind the counter said I needed a receipt. When I told her I didn’t have a receipt she said ‘too bad’ and then put up a sign that she was on break--that made me go ballistic. I came back with a gun just to show that (expletive deleted) that she couldn’t push me around. I just wanted to put a scare in them, so I made sure no one got shot.”

Mr. Socks remains in Montgomery County jail until his hearing this week.
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Kitty Porn Website Shutdown

WASHINGTON, DC: District police officers raided the home of Harry Flint yesterday in order to shutdown his kitty porn website. “It was disgusting” noted officer O’Malley. “We found young kitten pictures with no clothing all over the house with the bulk of the digital pictures still on his computer server. I've never seen so much pussy before.” O’Malley added.

Police Sergeant Whiskers in a press conference noted that “We had searched all over the house to find Mr. Flint, but we eventually found him hiding inside the computer itself. He was arrested on charges of kitten pornography--also known as kitty porn.”

Sergeant Whiskers went on to say that “I’m proud that our police force was able to shutdown this kitty porn website. However, every time we shut one site down 4 more pop up. The demand for these disgusting sites is at an all-time high and we need to address that first.”

Harry Flint is being held in police custody without bond until his arraignment this Tuesday.
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