Females Complain About Couch Potato Spouses

DUNDALK, MD: The Dundalk Female Feline Group (DFFG) states that the number one complaint of all the female members is that their spouses have turned into couch potatoes.

One member who wished not to be identified stated that “All that fat cat does is sit around all day, drink beer and watch Animal Planet on TV. It’s sickening.”

In a recent Johns Hopkins study, doctors found that feline male spouses pack on 3 to 5 pounds after just 2 years of marriage and show less interest in their wives and a consuming interest in TV.

Another DFFG member, Carol Kitty stated that “Not only does my husband never leave the couch; he’s become surly and apathetic. I swear he’d be perfectly content to never leave the couch and marry the TV. I’m ready to leave his lazy ass!”

Dr. Meowington who helped author the Johns Hopkins study stated that “There are ways to help get your husband off the couch. Try placing a trail of Frisky treats from the couch to outside the front door. Once you have him locked outside, remove the couch and any other fluffy areas to lie down on from the house. Admittedly these are strong actions, but they just may help save a marriage."

-xxx

Boogy Fever Strikes In Maryland

ANNAPOLIS, MD: A large outbreak of boogy fever has been spotted throughout Maryland, with the bulk of the population in the Annapolis metro area. Cats have been seen spontaneously “boogying down” upon listening to just a small sample of disco music.

Dr. Julie Gerberding, Director of the Centers for Disease Control stated that “We thought we had the dreaded boogy fever (a.k.a. gettus downis wita funk) eradicated in the early 80’s with the ‘disco is dead’ slogan. It has apparently reared its ugly head again with high risk populations located mostly around retro dance clubs that play 70’s music.”

There has also been a separate sub strain of the boogy fever known as Cat Scratch Fever or spinnis maximus. Symptoms for spinnis maximus that have been seen are cats playing 70’s dance albums and performing DJ mixing and cat scratching.

The CDC has already dispatched a special pathology team to the area protecting them with earplugs and headsets playing continuous light rock music. Dr. John Nofun, On Scene Investigative Leader stated that “We believe our team is significantly protected against the boogy fever with these precautions. We have also taken further precautions by making sure the pathology team is comprised solely of white men with no rhythm.”

The investigative team is due to report back their findings by tomorrow.

-XXX