According to Marley

A cat's eye view of the World

Monday, June 22, 2009

Tiger Steals the Show in "The Hangover"

What do tigers dream of when they take a little tiger snooze
Do they dream of mauling zebras, or Halle Barry in her Catwoman suit
Don't you worry your pretty stripe-ed head we're gunna get you back to Tyson and your cozy tiger bed
And then we're gunna find our best friend Doug and then we're gunna give him a best friend hug
Doug, Doug, Oh Doug, Doug, Dougie, Doug, Doug
But if you've been murdered by crystal meth tweakers
Well then we're shit out of luck

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Local Band Hits the Big Time

ARLINGTON, VA: The local rock band Faster Pussycat as they are collectively known just signed with Fur Ball Records for a 4 record deal. The band’s 3 members are Sid Kitty heading up lead vocals and guitar, Little Flea on bass and Ring Worms on drums.

However, just as the trio was poised to break into the big time, band tensions threatened to tear them apart. In a recent VH1 special “Behind the Meowsic” the band members reveal how Sid Kitty’s catnip addiction nearly cost him his life one night on the road.

Little Flea’s ego was also out of control as he attempted several times to take over the band and kick Sid Kitty out. Little Flea had 2 solo albums during the hiatus that never found an audience. Meanwhile Ring Worms was on his own downward spiral as he lost all his money at craps and turned to the inside of a milk bottle to drown his troubles.

The band was able to pull themselves back from the brink of disaster with the help of band producer Dave Calico. “I just got all the band members out to my recording studio out here in the Arizona desert to get away from all the negative influences. After a month of licking their wounds from the road they were ready to start recording again” noted Calico.

“Now we’re back on top of laundry pile so to speak thanks to Dave and the rest of the band” said Sid Kitty. Look for the release of Faster Pussycat’s new album next month titled “Reigning Cats and Dogs”.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

FSU Fraternity Brother Nabbed With 3 Pounds of Catnip

TALLAHASSEE, FL: Florida State University, Kappa Alpha Tau (KAT) fraternity brother Cliff Skitch, or “Skitchey” as he’s known around campus was arrested for possession of 3 pounds of catnip. Campus police working ‘jointly’ with state police captured Skitchey during an undercover police drug buy.

“The suspect’s backpack was bulging with the 3 pounds of catnip when we observed him entering the student union” noted state police officer John McGuiness. “A bunch of cats were following him everywhere. He was obviously under the influence of the drug and we had to let him sleep it off after we brought him back to the station and paw-printed him.”

State police acting simultaneously as the Skitchey arrest raided the KAT fraternity house and made several more drug-related arrests. Police lined up the fraternity brothers to determine who was under the influence or not.

One of the fraternity brothers not arrested in the raid identified himself only as “Turtle” and commented on the arrests “Dude, this is totally un-cool! Skitchey was just going to pick up a pizza for us man. Me, Skitchey, and Zeek were just sitting around totally jonesing for some munchies. Skitchey was the only dude who sac-ed up for a food run. Dude deserves a Fu&$*&g medal!”

Turtle added that “This is totally bumming me out. We were supposed to have a mixer with the Pie Epsilon Tau (PET) chicks tonight and everyone knows those chicks are totally easy once they get a little loose (in a lower tone) if ya know what I mean. One dude said he heard those chicks were in heat.”

Skitchey and several other KAT fraternity brothers have all posted bail and are scheduled for trial at the end of the month.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Meow Qaeda Flea Bomb Plot Foiled

Meowslim terrorist Ali Oompapa Meowmeow was taken into police custody today under suspicion of planning to flea bomb his master’s apartment. Meowmeow is also considered to be the leader of a sleeper cell, or in this case a cat napper cell.

Another cat nap cell member Aaahck… Aaahck was also arrested in the raid (it wasn’t clear at the time of publishing this article if “Aaahck… Aaahck” was indeed his name, or if the suspect was merely suffering from hairballs).

It has been reported that Ali Oompapa Meowmeow’s master’s apartment had been infested with fleas for sometime and was ripe for a flea bombing. Both suspects have been deported to Guantanamo Bay (Gitmo) for questioning and presumed water torture.