Catnip Drug Ring Uncovered

The catnip kingpin known on the street as “Dr. Feelgood” was taken down in a Montgomery County police sting operation that broke up the kitty-nip den he was supplying. He was reported to have gone through over 2 ounces of catnip by the time the police arrived.

He was reportedly prancing around the apartment naked, except for his “Cat in the Hat” hat he was wearing while reciting psychedelic renditions of Dr. Seuss tales. The police were also responding to neighbors’ complaints about the cats playing Grateful Dead and Phish CDs at a loud volume.

Some of the cats found at the kitty-nip den were reportedly experiencing “wild psychedelic trips”, while others seem not to have been affected by the catnip. One cat found face down in a pint of Ben & Jerry’s “Cherry Garcia” ice cream reported seeing Jerry Garcia with guitar wings on the rooftop.

These kitty-nip dens are common areas where catnip users congregate to abuse their drug of choice –catnip, or as it is known on the street – kitty crack.

Open air catnip drug markets in the suburban DC area have become commonplace claims one local resident who wished not to be identified. “You can buy the stuff everywhere. I even saw dealers hanging out at Pet Smart and the local pet supply store” she added.

Montgomery County Police Chief J. Thomas Manger stated that “This catnip problem is quickly getting out of control. We have made 5 busts this week alone. We are also seeing an alarming increase in the amount of people growing their own catnip.”

David Morris (a.k.a. Dr. Feelgood) was freed on a bond from the state. A court hearing date has been set for next week.

David Morris refused to comment on the situation but his attorney stated that “David Morris is a decent, hardworking cat with no ties to the catnip underworld. David Morris’ neighbors have been trying to get him to move out ever since he moved to the area. It’s clearly species motivated. We look forward to our day in court so we can dismiss these allegations and clear his name.”
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