Cat Outwitted By Lowly Finch

In an embarrassing scene caught on camera by our on-the-scene photographer, a cat reportedly got outwitted by a common finch.

The cat in the cage who wished not to be identified stated that “I had the feathery bastard cornered in the cage, but he was able to fly out when I went to claw him. Now he’s chirping outside like he’s some kind of genius. So help me God when I get out I’m going to tear him a new one.”

“This is truly a disgraceful situation that reflects badly on all cats” said President Kweisi Meowfe of the National Association for the Advancement of Cats over People (NAACP). “There’s already chirping coming over the wires that birds now think they can outsmart cats” Meowfe added.
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Cat Flips Off Owner

Charlie the cat reportedly flipped off his owner when he overheard his owner whispering to his girlfriend about getting his cat neutered. Charlie let his feelings be known about the topic when his owner passed by.

“You’re always the last to know about these things” claimed Charlie. “Where the (expletive deleted) does he get off chopping off my fur sac!” he added. “I wonder how he would like it if I attacked his manhood while he was sleeping.”

“If that bastard goes through with it you can bet your furry ass these claws will be digging into that new leather couch he just bought.”

Charlie’s owner could not be reached for comment, but he is said to be rethinking the neutering option.
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Cat Attacks President

WASHINGTON, DC: Cat protestors organized a “meow in” about the high prices of milk. The protestors meowed at the back door of the White House yesterday until a kitchen worker mistakenly let a stray cat in. “I thought it was the President’s cat - Boots” claimed the unidentified kitchen worker.

The cat quickly roamed the White House halls peeing in every corner and then attacked the President ironically in the yellow room. The new White House Press Secretary Tony Snow stated that “The situation is under control. The cat has been thrown back outside and the President is being treated for minor scratches on the back of the neck.”

Tony Snow refused to answer unsubstantiated allegations that the White House staff was laughing when the cat attacked the President, and they were even able to get a picture of the attack.
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All the Rage

WASHINGTON, DC: Driving around the DC Beltway these days has become increasingly dangerous according to most reports. Road rage is on the increase and cats are becoming frustrated with increased traffic, high fuel prices and never ending road construction projects.

“Cats simply aren’t paying attention when the drive” claims Felix the Cat of Bethesda, Maryland. He went on to say that “I saw one cat licking himself while driving (LWD) and another cat that was driving was curled up sleeping on the dashboard!”

Maryland and Virginia police have implemented the Cool Cat Driver program to help profile aggressive driving by cats. If anyone sees cats driving erratically they should report it immediately to the authorities.

Catnip Drug Ring Uncovered

The catnip kingpin known on the street as “Dr. Feelgood” was taken down in a Montgomery County police sting operation that broke up the kitty-nip den he was supplying. He was reported to have gone through over 2 ounces of catnip by the time the police arrived.

He was reportedly prancing around the apartment naked, except for his “Cat in the Hat” hat he was wearing while reciting psychedelic renditions of Dr. Seuss tales. The police were also responding to neighbors’ complaints about the cats playing Grateful Dead and Phish CDs at a loud volume.

Some of the cats found at the kitty-nip den were reportedly experiencing “wild psychedelic trips”, while others seem not to have been affected by the catnip. One cat found face down in a pint of Ben & Jerry’s “Cherry Garcia” ice cream reported seeing Jerry Garcia with guitar wings on the rooftop.

These kitty-nip dens are common areas where catnip users congregate to abuse their drug of choice –catnip, or as it is known on the street – kitty crack.

Open air catnip drug markets in the suburban DC area have become commonplace claims one local resident who wished not to be identified. “You can buy the stuff everywhere. I even saw dealers hanging out at Pet Smart and the local pet supply store” she added.

Montgomery County Police Chief J. Thomas Manger stated that “This catnip problem is quickly getting out of control. We have made 5 busts this week alone. We are also seeing an alarming increase in the amount of people growing their own catnip.”

David Morris (a.k.a. Dr. Feelgood) was freed on a bond from the state. A court hearing date has been set for next week.

David Morris refused to comment on the situation but his attorney stated that “David Morris is a decent, hardworking cat with no ties to the catnip underworld. David Morris’ neighbors have been trying to get him to move out ever since he moved to the area. It’s clearly species motivated. We look forward to our day in court so we can dismiss these allegations and clear his name.”
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Cinco de Marley

The Mexican holiday--Cinco de Mayo was greeted by Marley in his usual manner by chugging two 6-packs of Coronas in 2 hours. Onlookers were amazed by his alcohol tolerance for being just a regular sized cat.

After the second hour of Marley’s celebratory chug fest, he started to feel “woozy.” He then proceeded to point out various people in the room to exclaim how much he loved them…or hated them.

The embarrassing scene was recanted by an onlooker who did not wish to be identified for fear of reprisals.

“I can’t believe he said he hated me. I thought we had a good relationship, but now he has become abusive between his drinking and catnip addiction and I am moving out of his house tonight.” the anonymous onlooker said.

Marley could not be reached for comment the following day, but his publicist stated that he was “sleeping it off” and looked forward to rebuffing these baseless allegations.
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Toxic Waste Being Buried Late at Night

Our undercover reporter reported seeing late night dumping of bio-toxic waste in the suburban DC area.

Montgomery County Police Chief J. Thomas Manger stated that “Late night bio-toxic dumping is serious crime and any convicted perpetrators face stiff fines and potential jail time.” Manger added “We have patrol cars on the lookout for any nefarious dumping activity and we will act aggressively on it.”

Acting on an anonymous tip, our undercover reporter spotted someone surreptitiously dumping something at night that “smelled real bad.” They seemed to be preoccupied about covering up their evidence once they dumped it.

The reporter was able to click a quick picture of the alleged perpetrator using a special night vision camera. Unfortunately, the suspect could not be identified from the picture.

Anyone with information about the “Midnight Dumper” should contact the Montgomery County Police Department at (301) 555-3476.
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Screen Test Met With Controversey

With Marley’s career on the upswing, he recently performed a screen test to become the new MGM Lion in future movie opening credits.

As of the date this article was published, Marley’s agent still has not heard back if he got the part. Marley’s agent noted “I’m disappointed we still have not heard back from MGM by now. I bet if he was a fluffy white cat we would have already heard that he got the part. I’m afraid this is yet another blatant case of discrimination against black cats.”

Marley’s agent went on to say that “We’ve already contacted the reverends Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton concerning this, and they have promised their support. The Black Panthers have been with us from the start on this issue and are organizing a boycott of MGM as we speak.”

MGM spokesman Ben Weinstein issued a general statement regarding Marley’s screen test saying that “All screen tests are evaluated based on merit and not on fur color.” He could not be reached for further comment.
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America’s Next Top Marley

Marley awoke at daybreak. He was newly invigorated and inspired with the thought that he is destined to become America’s Next Top Model (ANTM). Without a thought in his head that cats (and male cats at that) are not presently accepted in the ANTM contest, he quickly posed for some impromptu shots as he lay strewn across an oriental rug. He then barked orders to the photog to turn on the wind effects, play his mood music and to get his mineral water before he strikes his personal assistant. It was then that the photog knew that Marley’s addiction to catnip had spiraled out of control.

The photog knew he had to take action and to help get Marley into a substance abuse program. Marley, not having hit his rock bottom yet, was still in denial and expressed his anger by defecating on the set.

The photog immediately shut down the set and called Marley’s agent to inform him of his acting out and urged him to get Marley the help he needed. Marley’s agent was contacted several times, but refused to comment on the evolving situation.

An unnamed source close to Marley noted that she has known about Marley’s problems for some time, but thought he was keeping it under control. She now just hopes that this one action won’t taint the good image of aspiring cat models.
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Single, Black, And Lookin' Fo Love

I'm a single, professional, black, male, short hair. People say that my hazel eyes are piercing. I like chasing cell phone charger cords to stay in shape and lounging by the window to relax after a hard day.

My front paws have been de-clawed so you won't feel any scratches when we cuddle in a basket of freshly laundered clothes. I like to get frisky late at night and I sometimes dabble recreationally in catnip. It's not a habit, but I do like to party ladies.

Oh, and I have been neutered so we can play all night and never have to worry about those unexpected litters. Some of my human peeves are getting sprayed with water and vacuums. Why the hell do those things make so much noise anyway? It freaks me out.

I like to take long and frequent naps throughout the day to keep stress low. I'm open to dating all breeds and hair length, but no fat cats please. You must like Animal Planet TV, window ledges and finding new places to lounge and just chill.

So, if you think you are up for sniffing posteriors, shoot me a cat mail so we can meet up for a cup of milk.