If Humans Acted Like Cats

The Latest Da Vinci Code Mystery

PARIS, FRANCE: There is a new revelation in the Da Vinci Code mystery, a cat was found under a layer of paint on the Mona Lisa.

Historical painting restorer, Jacques Mayaow stated "We were doing some touchup restoration on the Mona Lisa when we noticed something under a layer of paint.  When we probed further we realized it was a cat."

The Louvre Director, Henri Loyrette refused to answer questions from reporters about the latest finding.  The only statement he gave was "We are investigating this latest revelation regarding our beloved Mona Lisa painting.  This has nothing to do with Dan Brown's famous book 'The Da Vinci Code'.  That is all for now."

Cat Gets Existential

“For I do not exist: there exist but the thousands of mirrors that reflect me. With every acquaintance I make, the population of phantoms resembling me increases. Somewhere they live, somewhere they multiply. I alone do not exist.” 

-Vladimir Nabokov

New YouTube Star Shaking Her Butt

Mittens has gained a huge YouTube following with her latest video that just went viral.  You can see her shake her butt in the video below.

Cat Has Sudden Realization

Celebrity Cat Demands Expansive Feeding Schedule

Local celebrity Meowli Cirus demands to be fed 4 times daily by her personal assistant.  Meowli is said to be trying to lose weight and has gone to eating more frequent, but smaller meals each day.

"It makes me feel more in control of my life and my body" Cirus added.  "I find myself also going to the litter box less often."

Cat Maps Out Different Regions of The Bed

Cat Prevents Turkey from Falling

Booster the cat was caught in a precarious position last Sunday morning.  The house owner had gone out to pick up some last minute items for Sunday dinner and came home to a surprise. 

Unknown to the owner, the turkey that was left defrosting on the counter started to slip off the counter.  Booster acted quickly to ensure the turkey would stay on the counter by holding it up until the owner came home.

Unfortunately, the owner completely  misinterpreted the event as Booster trying to eat the turkey.  Booster is said to be very upset by the accusation and has taken to sulking in the laundry room on a pile of towels.

Husband Learns Leason The Hard Way

Charles tries to drift off to sleep, but he can't help but think that there is something he forgot. 

His wife Marla is about to give him a permanent reminder that he should have remembered their wedding anniversary.

Cat Accidentally Washes iPhone

Local Dog Saves Cat From Fight

BALTIMORE, MD: Local gang members Lil' Bow Wow and Phat Kat were leaving through the back door of The Hustler strip club and nearly had an altercation with another gang.

Phat Kat said "It's a good thing my boy was there to hold me back, or I woulda laid the smack down on their asses!"

Grandpa Pissed at Kids Calling Him Gandalf

Grandpa Moses clearly woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.  "Dag nabbit!  These damn kids keep calling me Gandalf and I don't even know who that fool is." said Moses.

Moses added "And so help me God, if I find out who keeps hiding my Milk of Magnesia I'll scratch their eyes out!"

Moses is also reportedly confused by a separate incident.  On a recent trip to the pharmacy he was attacked by a PETA activist who threw red paint on him and screamed "Fur is murder!"

Cat Unhappy With Living Situation

Oscar Beagle and Felix Stripes find themselves caught in an unrequited love situation.  Mr. Stripes complains that "Just because I live with a dog doesn't mean I want to be humped by him."

Mr. Beagle refused to comment on the evolving situation, but it is rumored that he's concerned that Stripes will soon be moving out.

Yoga Posing Uncle A Constant Source of Embarrassment

Uncle Julio is reportedly "A constant source of embarrassment" to his nieces and nephews.

"Every morning he goes outside on the deck with no clothes on and does some weird stretching.  He says it's yoga, but I've never seen poses like that in my yoga classes." Julio's niece added.

Uncle Julio defended himself saying that "I'm just out here doin' my thang...you know...lettin' ma freak flag fly."

Cat Tries to Become Cabinet Moulding

Felix Fluffers does his best to blend into the kitchen cabinet moulding.

"I am practicing the art of being a Ninja and being able to blend into my environment." Felix stated.

"Now no one can see me and I have the advantage on my enemy.  Ra's al Ghul talks all about it in that Batman movie." Felix added.

Cat Gets Irate After Losing Money In Vending Machine

George Garfield became enraged after losing $5 in a food vending machine.  He resorted to taking running leaps at the machine to dislodge the food he had paid for.  Then out of nowhere, another cat started fighting him for his food.  Garfield was able to get a refund after the property manager reviewed the video...and was able to finally stop laughing.

Decorating Christmas Tree Goes Awry

Decorating the Christmas tree with lights quickly gets out of hand for for Jasper.  "The whole thing kind of got away from me" said Jasper.

"I was just pawing at one of the light ends on the Christmas tree and when I went to run away, the lights must have got caught in my collar.  The next thing you know I'm wrapped up in lights.  And God knows the stupid dog was no help getting me out of this.  He just sat there barking and panting with his dumb tongue hanging out." Jasper added.

Jasper's owners unwound him from the Christmas lights after seeing his demise when they came home from shopping.

Cat Embarrassed By Chistmas Card Fail

Dennis Tigger was reportedly very upset with the Christmas card photo his owner used this year.

"I have no idea what the (expletive) he was thinking!  Okay yes, I got drunk on some eggnog, but he took advantage of me and now he sent it out to everyone we know!" Tigger stated.

Mr. Tigger is purportedly pursuing legal action against his owner for the trauma he has had to endure.

Cat States His Case In Letter to Santa

OLNY, MD: Local kitten, Martin Snickers passionately states his case to Santa why he was a 'good kitten' this year.  Martin states the following in his letter:

Dear Santa, 
I feel I need to explain some events that happened this year that could be misconstrued as possible bad behavior.  

First - The missing fish from the aquarium
Let me just say that I heard the fish talking about running/swimming away the day before he went missing, and the fact that I was alone with the fish the next day went he went missing is merely a coincidence.

Second - Jumping up on the dinner table and eating the chicken
As a house cat, I have sworn to protect and defend the inhabitants of said house.  I saw that the freshly roasted chicken posed a clear and present danger to the family, so I jumped up on the table to defend the family.

Third - Spilling of water on computer keyboard
Yes, I have been seen jumping up on the computer desk several times, but that doesn't mean I spilled the water.  I was exiting the room to go inform the owner that the wind from the open window was most likely the culprit.

So in conclusion, I have actually been a very good kitten this year and I look forward to your visit on Christmas.  I would very much like if you could bring me the following: string, catnip, and fluffy blankets.

Sincerely,
- Martin Snickers

P.S. I'd really appreciate it if you could take the dog, or at least make sure he goes missing.

Simon Says "Lay on Your Back"

In a vicious game of "Simon Says", a cat and a human baby get caught flat on their backs when Simon said "Lay on your backs." Paramedics were called to the seen by a passer-by when he saw them both lying helpless on their backs unable to get up. The passer-by said "I heard a lot of meowing and crying." The couple are Okay and have sworn to be more careful playing. Next on the list are the Hokie Pokie and Twister.

Sibling Rivalry on Printer

Indiana Jones Cat Oncovers New Roman Ruins

ROME, ITALY: Mirko Curti was chasing his cat through the streets of his village on Tuesday night when the cat inadvertently discovered a set of ancient Roman ruins.

 "The cat managed to get into a grotto and we followed the sound of its meowing," Curti told the Guardian.

When he caught up to the animal, it had crawled into an opening in the side of a cliff. Inside the opening, Curti stumbled upon a 2,000-year-old tomb "piled with bones" and ancient Roman urns. The tomb was discovered just outside a residential area in the Roman city of Via di Pietralata. Archeologists who were called to the site have speculated that it dates back to sometime between the 1st century B.C. and the 2nd century A.D.

See the full story here - http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/cat-leads-owner-discovery-ancient-roman-ruins-211428133.html

Hefty Cat Gets Wake Up Call To Lose Weight

Sneaky Cat "Sails"

Stoner Cat Can't Stop Smiling

Catzilla Scares Veterinary Assistant

GAITHERSBURG, MD: Catzilla scares a local veterinary assistant when being checked for an enlarged prostate. 

"I had no idea that's how they checked your prostate" said Catzilla.  "Seriously, is anyone aware that's how they do it?"

The  veterinary assistant who wished not to be identified added "I never saw a reaction like that before.  Catzilla hissed at me and tried to scratch my eyes."

The veterinary assistant is said to be looking for a new job.

Donald Trump To Build Kitty Condos on the Upper East Side of the House

Donald Trump has chosen the new location for "Kitty Towers".

Trump stated that Kitty Towers is going to be "uuuge".  He went on to say that "This is going to be the biggest thing to happen to the upper east side of the house since the big, potted fern in the living room."

Trump announced yesterday that groundbreaking would begin this weekend after getting back from Costco.

Meow-mid Ali

Cat Falls For Couch

Cat Contemplates Deed

The Real Puss n Boots

London office worker expresses anger over Lexmark printer

Commentary of next door neighbor's actions

Innocent game of patty cake goes terribly wrong

Fred Proclaims The Box in The Closet is The Best Place to “Chill”

VIENNA, VA: Fred Purrs proclaimed yesterday that the box in the closet was the best place in the house to sit and just “chill.”

Fred stated that “I feel like I’m sitting in Captain Kirk’s chair when I’m in this box. I’m totally in command—plus with the door open I get a full view of the birds in the tree outside the window.”

Fred is currently on the lookout for the best place for napping in the house. “I have it narrowed down to the clean laundry pile, the unmade bed, or the pile of sweaters” said Fred.
-xxx

Dancing Show Contestant Has a Fit of "Jazz Hands"

BURBANK, CA: The popular ABC show “Dancing with the Stars” took an ugly turn last week when one of the contestants (Bill Bonkers) got drunk on foreign beer and pushed the other dancers off the floor to show his “jazz hands” dance. Mr. Bonkers was promptly booted from the show for failing to abide by the contest rules.

Mr. Bonkers later regretted his impulsive actions when interviewed on the studio lot. “I should have never drank that whole can of beer. The can was bigger than me for Christ’s sake.”

Mr. Bonkers is said to have been looking into a 12 step program to help with his issues.
-xxx

Harry Potter Nerds Line Up for Movie Premiere

SILVER SPRING, MD: Nerds are already lining up for the latest installment of the the highly successful Harry Potter movie series. The new movie "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince" premieres this Friday, but cats have started lining up as early as Wednesday for the movie.

Many cats on the line are dressed up as their favorite character. The local school bully known only as Butch commented on the cats on line and said "I'm going to kick all their asses in school on Monday...you can count on that!"

The movie is expected to gross over 50 million this weekend alone in ticket sales. Although, the merchandising sales from all the nerds is expected to be much higher.

Alexander Kibbles who was one of the cats in line stated "This looks like the most exciting Harry Potter yet! I can hardly stop from peeing myself. Good thing I brought my litter box here on line." Look for our review of the movie in next week's issue.
-xxx

Cats Control Humans

WASHINGTON, DC: There isn't anything new to report here that hasn't been known for centuries. Cats control humans. It has been true ever since the Egyptians began to worship us. The silly humans are just figuring it out now. You can get the full story here.

Dirty Litter Box on the Prowl

WASHINGTON, DC: Cat rap -- or “Crap” as it’s known on the streets has been growing in popularity among US teens. Cat rapper Dirty Litter Box, also known by his initials DLB has been the most popular by far with his racy lyrics and top 40 hits “Go lick yourself” and “Gettn’ down wit da pussy.”

In a recent interview, DLB stated that “It’s about time a stank ass puss like me shook up the industry. I’m keepin’ it real like a heart attack…you feelin’ me?”

“These suburban house cats are lookin’ fo what they ain’t getin’ from their parents…and I’m here kickin’ it hardcore to give ‘em what they need” DLB added.

DLB’s latest album titled “Let’s Sniff Asses” is sure to bring additional controversy to the crapper.
-xxx

Tiger Steals the Show in "The Hangover"

What do tigers dream of when they take a little tiger snooze
Do they dream of mauling zebras, or Halle Barry in her Catwoman suit
Don't you worry your pretty stripe-ed head we're gunna get you back to Tyson and your cozy tiger bed
And then we're gunna find our best friend Doug and then we're gunna give him a best friend hug
Doug, Doug, Oh Doug, Doug, Dougie, Doug, Doug
But if you've been murdered by crystal meth tweakers
Well then we're shit out of luck

Local Band Hits the Big Time

ARLINGTON, VA: The local rock band Faster Pussycat as they are collectively known just signed with Fur Ball Records for a 4 record deal. The band’s 3 members are Sid Kitty heading up lead vocals and guitar, Little Flea on bass and Ring Worms on drums.

However, just as the trio was poised to break into the big time, band tensions threatened to tear them apart. In a recent VH1 special “Behind the Meowsic” the band members reveal how Sid Kitty’s catnip addiction nearly cost him his life one night on the road.

Little Flea’s ego was also out of control as he attempted several times to take over the band and kick Sid Kitty out. Little Flea had 2 solo albums during the hiatus that never found an audience. Meanwhile Ring Worms was on his own downward spiral as he lost all his money at craps and turned to the inside of a milk bottle to drown his troubles.

The band was able to pull themselves back from the brink of disaster with the help of band producer Dave Calico. “I just got all the band members out to my recording studio out here in the Arizona desert to get away from all the negative influences. After a month of licking their wounds from the road they were ready to start recording again” noted Calico.

“Now we’re back on top of laundry pile so to speak thanks to Dave and the rest of the band” said Sid Kitty. Look for the release of Faster Pussycat’s new album next month titled “Reigning Cats and Dogs”.
-xxx

FSU Fraternity Brother Nabbed With 3 Pounds of Catnip

TALLAHASSEE, FL: Florida State University, Kappa Alpha Tau (KAT) fraternity brother Cliff Skitch, or “Skitchey” as he’s known around campus was arrested for possession of 3 pounds of catnip. Campus police working ‘jointly’ with state police captured Skitchey during an undercover police drug buy.

“The suspect’s backpack was bulging with the 3 pounds of catnip when we observed him entering the student union” noted state police officer John McGuiness. “A bunch of cats were following him everywhere. He was obviously under the influence of the drug and we had to let him sleep it off after we brought him back to the station and paw-printed him.”

State police acting simultaneously as the Skitchey arrest raided the KAT fraternity house and made several more drug-related arrests. Police lined up the fraternity brothers to determine who was under the influence or not.

One of the fraternity brothers not arrested in the raid identified himself only as “Turtle” and commented on the arrests “Dude, this is totally un-cool! Skitchey was just going to pick up a pizza for us man. Me, Skitchey, and Zeek were just sitting around totally jonesing for some munchies. Skitchey was the only dude who sac-ed up for a food run. Dude deserves a Fu&$*&g medal!”

Turtle added that “This is totally bumming me out. We were supposed to have a mixer with the Pie Epsilon Tau (PET) chicks tonight and everyone knows those chicks are totally easy once they get a little loose (in a lower tone) if ya know what I mean. One dude said he heard those chicks were in heat.”

Skitchey and several other KAT fraternity brothers have all posted bail and are scheduled for trial at the end of the month.
-xxx

Meow Qaeda Flea Bomb Plot Foiled

Meowslim terrorist Ali Oompapa Meowmeow was taken into police custody today under suspicion of planning to flea bomb his master’s apartment. Meowmeow is also considered to be the leader of a sleeper cell, or in this case a cat napper cell.

Another cat nap cell member Aaahck… Aaahck was also arrested in the raid (it wasn’t clear at the time of publishing this article if “Aaahck… Aaahck” was indeed his name, or if the suspect was merely suffering from hairballs).

It has been reported that Ali Oompapa Meowmeow’s master’s apartment had been infested with fleas for sometime and was ripe for a flea bombing. Both suspects have been deported to Guantanamo Bay (Gitmo) for questioning and presumed water torture.
-xxx

Shut Up Bitch And Let Me Sleep

Local woman harasses sleeping cat for her amusement. "I can't wait for that bitch to leave for work every morning" replied Sam the cat. "I am lying there trying to sleep and every morning without fail that bitch starts F-ing with me for no reason but to post the video on YouTube. How many times do I need to tell her to leave me the F alone?"

Sam is looking into alternate living arrangements.
-XXX

Sweet Toothed Kitty

Local cat is scolded by his dentist and told to stop eating sweets or face losing teeth to cavities.

'I Got Full' After Eating A Half Pound Burrito

FAIRFAX, VA: Sylvester Davis reported that he felt ‘full’ after eating a half pound burrito from Taco Bell.

“I never seem to get full when I eat, but that half pound of beans, rice, cheese, onions and peppers did me in. I think I’m going to take a cat nap here on the couch now.”

Sylvester’s wife however was not as happy with the whole ‘burrito’ eating. “I’m not looking forward to the ‘burrito’ he’s going to leave in the litter box. He’s going to clean that out himself.”
- XXX

Cats Caught Talking

Tama The $10M Super Station Master

WAKIAMA, JAPAN: Click on the title to link to a video of Tama The $10M Super Station Master. As usual, cats lead the way to prosperity.
-xxx

Cats Do The Darnedest Things

The montage video below is comprised of various candid shots of cats doing the darnedest things.

Cruel and Unusual Punishment

GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA: Undercover reporters at the U.S. military base in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba have leaked a video of "cruel and unusual punishment" being used on inmates at the facility. Apparently interrogators have been using lasers to disorientate inmates and trick them into revealing information on terrorist plots. Click the video below to see the leaked video.

Ninja Cat Moves But Can't Be Seen

Princess Chunk - The 44 Pound Cat

VOORHEES, NJ: Princess Chunk as she's known tipped the scales at 44 pounds. "I think I need to go on a diet before they wind up having to cut me out of my house" Princess stated.

"I just see that bowl of Friskies and I can't stop until it's done" she added.

Princess will opt for a traditional low calorie, low carb diet with plenty of water and exercise. Princess has not ruled out gastric bypass surgery if she doesn't get the results she wants from the traditional diet.
-XXX

Celebrity Rapper Checks Into Rehab

Cat rapper and superstar Dirty Litter Box, or DLB as he is more commonly known checked himself into rehab this weekend after several of his close friends and family staged an intervention. “He finally realized all the pain he’s caused all of us through his addictions to catnip, powdered milk and prescription painkillers.” said his close friend Hobbes.

“DLB was spinning out of control with his all night benders sniffing lines of powdered milk off of strippers’ asses and then indulging in catnip with his druggie friends.”

DLB checked himself into the Betty Ford clinic to address his issues. All his friends are wishing him well on his recovery.
- XXX

Feline-alities

The ASPCA has come up with 9 different personality types for cats. There is the Private Investigator, The Secret Admirer, The Love Bug, The Executive, The Sidekick, The Personal Assistant, The MVP, The Party Animal, and The Leader of the Band. Find out which personality type you are by reading the full article listed below.
Read the full article here

Owner Reports Printer Problems: Documents Are Ripped And Pages Smeared

CHEVY CHASE, MD: Computer owners Dianne and Jeff Printsky reported that their ink jet printer suddenly, and without warning started spitting out documents that were torn to shreds and with ink smeared across all the pages.

"I have no idea what could be happening" noted Jeff Printsky. "We just had the printer serviced last week and they said everything was fine. Now whenever I go to print something I have to go down to Kinkos."

The Printsky's have hired a compter technologist as well as a private investigator to look into the situation.
-xxx

Mail Order Brides Come 2 To A Box

CHANTILLY, VA: Eugene Shedder was surprised Tuesday when the mail order bride he ordered from Siam (China) came with 2 brides instead of 1. He wasn’t sure if he should be angry that his order got screwed up, or happy now that he finally has a shot at that 3-way he’s always dreamed about.

“It must be the population explosion going on over there in China that they’re boxin’ up chics 2 at a time. Better get ‘em while there hot and before they start chargin’ for the extra one” noted Shedder.

“I feel like the cat that ate the canary” Shedder mused. “We’re gunna have ourselves a little party with the 5 ounces of catnip I just bought. We’ll see where things go from there, but I'm counting on things gettin' frisky.”
-xxx

Marvin Under False Impression The Toupee is ‘Workin’

COLUMBIA, MD: Marvin Licksalot surprised his coworkers Monday with his new toupee. One coworker who wished not to be identified stated that “He had been bald the entire time I’ve known him and then he just walks in on Monday with that squirrel on his head pretending nothing was different.”

“It was disturbing” noted business partner Felix Cuddle. “I’ve known Marvin since law school and once he lost his hair I just figured he accepted it like the rest of us. Then, out of the blue he comes in with that ‘hairclub for cats’ bush on his head and he tries to go over a case with me, but all I can do is stare at his head.”

Marvin’s wife of 10 years commented that “I love him with or without the hair. I was shocked however when I saw that the color didn’t match though. After all, a wife always knows if the curtain matches the carpet or not.”
-xxx

French Ambassador Unimpressed With America

WASHINGTON, DC: French ambassador to the United States Jean-David Levitte looked unimpressed with the White House reception he received when meeting with President Bush.

“Pshaw…it was a ca’-ta-stro-phe if you ask me” said Levitte. “No a-French wine, no scan-ti-ly clad mod’els and no gourmet food. And what is dis bar-be-que da man with the belt buckle the size of the Eiffel Tower serves me?”

“I am missing the certain jenasaqua of when your president Clin’toon was around. He was a man de French could understand with his many mistresses” Levitte added.

“I am however looking for’weird to meeting daughters of the Bush man. I have heard they are up to our French whore stan’dards.”
-xxx

Max Thinks Friend Is Too Ugly To Be Happy

LAUREL, MD: Maximilian Von Fluffington, “Max” as his friends call him was shocked and perplexed at his friend Jacob’s general outlook on life.

“That rube’s always got a dumb-ass smile on his face like he just ate the canary.” said Max. “Doesn’t he know that he’s uglier than Courtney Love on the smack and without makeup? I don’t know how much longer I can put up with it. I know ignorance is bliss but he’s fugly!”

"I’m just playin’ the cards I was dealt.” noted Jacob. “Chics dig a dude who’s confident even if I ain’t so good lookin’. I heard that Ben Franklin guy used to get a lot of tail...and did you ever take a look at that dude?”

“How can you be that happy when you look that ugly?” Max asked rhetorically. “I mean really.”

Max continues to work out his issues with his friend, but no word if he has figured out Jacob’s secret to happiness yet.
-xxx